Monday, June 22, 2009

Feeling Lost

It has been an odd couple of days for me. I went from feeling so encouraged and content with life to being utterly discouraged and lost. I'm sure I can cast some of the blame for these out of control emotions on the fact that sleep has been evasive and I still have a painfully long work week ahead of me. However I am more than sure that there are other issues behind these thoughts. There have been other times I have mentioned this restlessness before and how these feelings seem to come in waves and I wonder, is this normal? Am I supposed to feel so lost?

I've been in the Word every day which has been wonderful and many times during my days I sense the Lord speaking truth to me and reminding me of where my focus must lie but it is such a struggle! I feel discontent when I see old acquaintances pursuing dreams that I once had but never saw come to fruition. I feel, like always, a few steps behind everyone else, like I can't quite keep up and don't quite fit in. Now as I write this I recognize there are multiple sins here that have led my heart to long for anything other than what I have. I too often covet the lives of others, as I watch them use their amazing gifts for God's glory but when I look at the small gift in my own hands it appears so incredibly insignificant. Yes, I struggle with the desire to be recognized and valued by others. If they just saw ... then they would see how much more value I posses. My heart longs for the deep friendships I see other women cultivating but that I never seemed to grasp. Is there something wrong with me?

In the end I know I'll never be the prettiest, most talented, driven, passionate etc. So, why does this bother me so much? Why am I plagued with the desire to do something great for the Lord? Maybe I just want to do something great for me. I don't know. I'm sure all of this rambling is more confusing to those looking in but I just have to throw this out there as I'm trying to sort it all out. Deep down I know these temptations, sins and struggles all go back to the fact that I continue to forget my true identity in Christ. I want to live that out but right now I don't even know where to start.

1 comment:

OurCrazyFarm said...

You are not alone! You have put into such eloquent words what many of us feel. One thing that God has been impressing upon me has been that I am called to abide in Him (John 15), and asking me if that is going to be enough. I admit, it is a hard struggle to not want more. I know He will reign victorious even in this. He has great plans for what He is refining in you. Terri