I've been in the Word every day which has been wonderful and many times during my days I sense the Lord speaking truth to me and reminding me of where my focus must lie but it is such a struggle! I feel discontent when I see old acquaintances pursuing dreams that I once had but never saw come to fruition. I feel, like always, a few steps behind everyone else, like I can't quite keep up and don't quite fit in. Now as I write this I recognize there are multiple sins here that have led my heart to long for anything other than what I have. I too often covet the lives of others, as I watch them use their amazing gifts for God's glory but when I look at the small gift in my own hands it appears so incredibly insignificant. Yes, I struggle with the desire to be recognized and valued by others. If they just saw ... then they would see how much more value I posses. My heart longs for the deep friendships I see other women cultivating but that I never seemed to grasp. Is there something wrong with me?
In the end I know I'll never be the prettiest, most talented, driven, passionate etc. So, why does this bother me so much? Why am I plagued with the desire to do something great for the Lord? Maybe I just want to do something great for me. I don't know. I'm sure all of this rambling is more confusing to those looking in but I just have to throw this out there as I'm trying to sort it all out. Deep down I know these temptations, sins and struggles all go back to the fact that I continue to forget my true identity in Christ. I want to live that out but right now I don't even know where to start.