The past couple of days (thankfully only a handful) have been difficult as I find myself struggling with pride, yet again. It's funny that when you ask the Lord to reveal to you certain sins the flood gates appear to swing wide open. These few days have left me feeling completely unsatisfied and frustrated with the monotony of life. I have spent too much time fawning over facebook and watching/stalking the people I know who seem to be living lives filled with so much more excitement than my own. They are doing things they love and here I am struggling to be happy with my work schedule and feeling as if December 11th (Jon's graduation date) will never come. I feel burnt out, exhausted and ready for some sort of change...I deserve better...right?!?
I know that these feelings are wrong on so many different levels but I've been dealing with them none the less. As I have been wading through my emotions I read a portion out of the David Brainerd book that was convicting. These journal entries were written by Mr. Brainerd as he neared the end of his life here on earth and struggled with an illness that eventually took his life at the age of 29.
“In the beginning of this extraordinary turn of disorder, after my coming to Elizabethtown, I was enabled through mercy to maintain a calm, composed, and patient spirit, as I had been before from the beginning of my weakness. After I had been in Elizabethtown about a fortnight, and had so far recovered that I was able to walk about the house, upon a day of thanksgiving kept in this place, I was enabled to recall and recount over the mercies of God, in such a manner as greatly affected me, and filled me with thankfulness and praise. Especially my soul praised God for his work of grace among the Indians, and the enlargement of his dear kingdom. My soul blessed God for what he is in himself, and adored him, that he ever would display himself to creatures. I rejoiced that he was God, and longed that all should know it, and feel it, and rejoice in it. ‘Lord, glorify thyself,' was the desire and cry of my soul. Oh that all people might love and praise the blessed God; that he might have all possible honour and glory from the intelligent world!"
“Though I felt much dulness, and want of a spirit in prayer this week; yet I had some glimpses of the excellency of divine things; and especially one morning, in secret meditation and prayer, the excellency and beauty of holiness, as a likeness to the glorious God, was so discovered to me, that I began to long earnestly to be in that world where holiness dwells in perfection. I seemed to long for this perfect holiness, not so much for the sake of my own happiness, (although I saw clearly that this was the greatest, yea, the only happiness of the soul,) as that I might please God, live entirely to him, and glorify him to the utmost stretch of my rational powers and capacities.
Reading through the diary of this godly man I am convicted. Even as he struggled with an illness that eventually took his life, he was seeking after the Lord. Even as Mr. Brainerd was hardly able to rise from his bed his desire was to love God with everything he had and to be poured out in service to Him.
Unfortunately as I write this post I am still not content with my life. My pride tells me that other people are more blessed than I. They are doing things I have always dreamed of and that my life will never measure up to theirs. However, deep down I know that God has placed me here in Louisville for a reason and unless my eyes are set on Christ I will never be content with anything, even living my "dream".