Lately I have been feeling less at peace with the journey and more restless to arrive at some destination. It has been difficult for me to reign in my thoughts as they wonder and dream about what is or could be to come. I am quick to talk about the next step when my feet aren't already firmly planted in their current place. This restless feeling has led me to look into other jobs and possible volunteer opportunities but nothing has resonated with me. I think I'm more interested in something new than in any one specific thing. A change of pace sounds nice right about now but this restless feeling has been overwhelming and I can't seem to pin down what exactly I'm yearning for. I guess my yearning could be for a number of valid things but the problem is that I feel pulled in so many different directions I really have no specific leading in any way at all, so that leaves me wandering around. Ugh.
Some of the random yearnings I feel in my heart:
- adoption/starting our family
- a new job
- ministry (intercultural, working with young women, evangelism, spurring the church on to involvement with missions)
- deep friendships (sharing, trust, growth, openness)
- true and gospel centered fellowship
...to feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.
As I was browsing the internet for a new and improved job (which I didn't find) I became somewhat discouraged and decided to stop looking all together. Instead I was drawn to spend some time reading and praying. I came across this particular sentence and it stood out to me.
"It is better to wait upon God with patience, than to put confidence in anything in this lower world."
- The Life and Diary of David Brainerd (p. 103)
Like St. Augustine once said, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee." So tonight I am asking God to give me the strength to trust Him enough that I can rest in Him. That's not an easy thing for me to do; my feet are very prone to wander and I have a hard time letting go of the reigns. We'll see how this "resting" goes. I have a lot of questions clouding my mind specifically related to what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I guess thoughts regarding those questions will have to be saved for another post.
Learning to rest
A good article on Restlessness and Worry: