Friday, January 9, 2009

Only Say the Word

A Small Portion of the Sistine Chapel Ceiling
Creation of Adam
- Michelangelo

This past week has been one of beautiful highs and frustrating lows. A few weeks ago I had 6 days or so off of work and Jon and I traveled up to Indianapolis to spend Christmas with his family. It was a wonderful time of refreshment for me and ever since then I feel like my spiritual life has been renewed. The Lord has been speaking to me through what I have been reading and listening to. He has also used people to teach me more of his truth. (I hope to write more on those revelations later.)

Despite having such a wonderful time of renewal, the past three days have been rough. I've noticed that on my days off work I don't normally spend alone time with God. As I tried to think more about why...the only answer I can come up with is a selfish one. I think I consider my days off to belong to me. Those days are MINE. I know I am a selfish creature to the core of my being but I truly believe one area in which I struggle with the most is offering up my time to the Lord to do with it as he wishes. Sadly enough I feel entitled to my days off. I work an odd job with difficult hours and I pick up a lot...I deserve a few days to myself. I guess in the United States that is our mentality but I wholeheartedly believe that is not a godly way to view our time. Along those same lines I refuse to be involved in volunteer work and even time in fellowship with friends because I am held captive by my 3rd shift hours. Heaven forbid I wake up early to spend time in prayer or to lend an ear to a friend in need. My failures leave me utterly broken.

As I returned to work tonight I was angry with my level of self-reliance. I am ashamed to say that all of the time I took for myself was for not. My life these past few days was not used in service to God and due to the fact that I chose not to rely on Him my actions were in no way glorifying to the Lord. I pray that this new work week is a time for God to refocus me and weed out those prideful feelings of self-reliance. I desire that my whole life be dedicated to the Lord...even those hours, minutes and seconds of "my" time which I hold so dear. Lord, release my grasp...Teach me to live for you.

Only Say the Word- Jill Phillips
I must confess I have sinned against you
In what I've done and what I failed to
I have not loved you with my whole heart
But you are merciful, O God
Lord, I am not worthy to receive you
But only say the work and I'll be healed
Good intentions I have wasted
I saw the fruit of that tree and I tasted
But even when I have fallen so far
You are merciful O God
Lord I am not worthy to receive you
Only say the word, Only say the word
Lord I am not worthy to receive you
But only say the word and I'll be healed
It only took one word to breathe life into being
It will only take the same to set me free
Lord I am not worthy to receive you
Only say the word, Only say the word
Lord I am not worthy to receive you
But only say the word and I'll be healed.


pita-woman said...

Don't beat yourself up TOO much! We all need some down/alone time to ourselves (besides sleep time), it's what keeps us sane.
As for not taking the time to volunteer... I'm a big believer in volunteering, but maybe it's a matter of finding the right project/charity to give your time to, so that it doesn't feel as if it's interfering with your life. If you find that special charity to donate a few hours a week of your time to, then it really doesn't feel as if you're "giving up" your alone time.
The place I volunteer at, The Luci Center, I only wish I lived closer to it so I could give more of my time... it gives me a sense of purpose and worth and lifts my spirits everytime I go there.

Sarah said...

Hey friend! Sometimes I feel like you're too hard on yourself! But it is great to see you always pushing yourself to grow stronger and stronger in Christ. I second pita-woman's advice that you find one place to volunteer where you really feel fulfilled. I love reading your thoughts - thanks for sharing.

JonathanG said...

Babe, I am so blessed to have you. I know things have been rough, but I want you to know that I am blessed by you and constantly encouraged by your words. I love you very much!

God's Girl said...

It is truly the kindness of God that leads us to repentance. His ways are so kind and so sweet. If He is gently moving you to sit at His feet - do it! If you are being beat down by your thoughts of not living up to a certain level, that's the enemy.

I pray that you would rest in the amazing love Jesus has for you and that as you spend time with Him, everything else will fall into place.

Bless you!