Discontent

Norman Rockwell- Girl At Mirror

The past couple of days (thankfully only a handful) have been difficult as I find myself struggling with pride, yet again. It's funny that when you ask the Lord to reveal to you certain sins the flood gates appear to swing wide open. These few days have left me feeling completely unsatisfied and frustrated with the monotony of life. I have spent too much time fawning over facebook and watching/stalking the people I know who seem to be living lives filled with so much more excitement than my own. They are doing things they love and here I am struggling to be happy with my work schedule and feeling as if December 11th (Jon's graduation date) will never come. I feel burnt out, exhausted and ready for some sort of change...I deserve better...right?!?

I know that these feelings are wrong on so many different levels but I've been dealing with them none the less. As I have been wading through my emotions I read a portion out of the David Brainerd book that was convicting. These journal entries were written by Mr. Brainerd as he neared the end of his life here on earth and struggled with an illness that eventually took his life at the age of 29.

“In the beginning of this extraordinary turn of disorder, after my coming to Elizabethtown, I was enabled through mercy to maintain a calm, composed, and patient spirit, as I had been before from the beginning of my weakness. After I had been in Elizabethtown about a fortnight, and had so far recovered that I was able to walk about the house, upon a day of thanksgiving kept in this place, I was enabled to recall and recount over the mercies of God, in such a manner as greatly affected me, and filled me with thankfulness and praise. Especially my soul praised God for his work of grace among the Indians, and the enlargement of his dear kingdom. My soul blessed God for what he is in himself, and adored him, that he ever would display himself to creatures. I rejoiced that he was God, and longed that all should know it, and feel it, and rejoice in it. ‘Lord, glorify thyself,' was the desire and cry of my soul. Oh that all people might love and praise the blessed God; that he might have all possible honour and glory from the intelligent world!"

~~~~

“Though I felt much dulness, and want of a spirit in prayer this week; yet I had some glimpses of the excellency of divine things; and especially one morning, in secret meditation and prayer, the excellency and beauty of holiness, as a likeness to the glorious God, was so discovered to me, that I began to long earnestly to be in that world where holiness dwells in perfection. I seemed to long for this perfect holiness, not so much for the sake of my own happiness, (although I saw clearly that this was the greatest, yea, the only happiness of the soul,) as that I might please God, live entirely to him, and glorify him to the utmost stretch of my rational powers and capacities.

~~~~

Reading through the diary of this godly man I am convicted. Even as he struggled with an illness that eventually took his life, he was seeking after the Lord. Even as Mr. Brainerd was hardly able to rise from his bed his desire was to love God with everything he had and to be poured out in service to Him.

Unfortunately as I write this post I am still not content with my life. My pride tells me that other people are more blessed than I. They are doing things I have always dreamed of and that my life will never measure up to theirs. However, deep down I know that God has placed me here in Louisville for a reason and unless my eyes are set on Christ I will never be content with anything, even living my "dream".

Dreaming

I've been wanting to write a post for what seems like forever but time just hasn't allowed it. I plan on posting within the next day or so however since time is limited right now I'll share with you a place I've been dreaming about lately. It's a place I've never been to but hope to experience first hand. It's a place that for some reason has stolen my heart. It's a place full of color but also burdened with such heavy darkness. It's a place I long to hold...

Can I keep her?

Sunday Sermon

Do Not Love the World- CJ Mahaney.mp3

Desiring to Draw the Gaze of God

I've been thinking about this quote from C.J. Mahaney: "Humility draws the gaze of our Sovereign God." On the other end: Pride seeks to draw the gaze of others...

"This is the one to whom I will look:

he who is humble and contrite in spirit

and trembles at my word."

Isaiah 66:2

There have been many times over this past week when I have found myself fighting hard against the stronghold of pride. God has been gracious to begin the process of rooting out grumbling and complaining in my life. He has been quick to reveal the wayward attitudes of my heart but this week (specifically over the past couple of days) pride reared its ugly head in a new way, self pity. Woe is me!! Oh good grief.

Now that I am out of that mindset (at least for the time being) I can easily see how utterly ridiculous this type of thinking is. It's frustrating to me that I have to learn lessons such as these over and over again. I know full well that my life is easy but self-pity, much like complaining, is a deep pit that can suck you in. Once you start thinking that way it is difficult to stop. Self-pity is all about, well...self. That sort of mindset quickly impedes any useful thing we may desire to do for God if for no other reason then because it is rooted in pride.

This short passage from The Life and Diary of David Brainerd spoke volumes to me these past few days. It addressed the sin in my heart and turned my thoughts more toward Christ and his glory because in the end it is all about God's glory.

"was much dejected, and greatly perplexed in mind; knew not how to see any body again, my soul was so sunk within me. Oh that these trials might make me more humble and holy. Oh that God would keep me from giving way to sinful dejection, which may hinder my usefulness."

On a random note anyone looking to get outside of themselves and allow their hearts to be burdened for the cause of Christ should look here. There is much to pray for and much that needs to be done. Lord don't let our pride get in the way.

John Comforted in Prison (Ed Knippers)

Memory Verse III:

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very natur of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

Philippians 2:1-11

The 100 Pound Puppy

I would like to reintroduce you all to our puppy Paisley because I'm realized that I haven't posted any pictures of her since the snow storm. Here she is.

Don't let her size fool you she is still very much a puppy. Paisley is a little over 8 months old and is around 100 pounds. She still has some growing to do. We have been super blessed that she has not been a chewer so thankfully we haven't had any of our stuff ruined. However we got a nice surprise after coming home from work the other day...

This is what is left of the comforter that was used as bedding for our 100 pound pooch. She had torn a larger than basketball size hole in it and promptly removed the stuffing. Geez! Of course when we walked in and found the mess Paisley looked at us with her big brown puppy dog eyes as if to say, "What?!?"

Anyway, when she is not laying around sleeping, tearing giant holes in her bedding, or keeping watch out the window she has found a new hobby.

We are currently deciding what our plan needs to be. Can we let her do this? We know that if this continues this will eventually lead to her laying across our entire sofa so . Hmm, but she is so incredibly cute!! I can't stand it. So yeah, this is life with our Great Dane. Here are a few adorable pictures to close with.

Better Than I Deserve

I am doing far better than I deserve. God is good and continues to lavish his grace upon me so what do I have to complain about? Nothing! Since I last wrote it has been a good week full of the usual struggles and temptations of life but the tone of everything has been different. The Lord has been changing me and it's beautiful. I feel like my outlook is beginning to be altered and it's shown in small areas of my life (for example: the way I respond to stress at work, the thoughts I allow myself to dwell on, and the fact that I am just more aware of my need for Christ). It has all been so rich and difficult but I love it. I honestly don't have anything specific to post about today because my brain is having a hard time focusing at 4:50am so here is the next memory verse I'm working on. Good stuff!

Memory Verse II:

"This is what the Lord says, 'Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool. There is the house you will build for me? Where will my resting place be? Has not my hand made all these things, and so they can into being?' Declares the Lord. 'This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word."

Isaiah 66:1-2

Fasting From Pride...is that possible?

I have never felt a huge conviction to observe the season of Lent through some sort of fast. I think the one time I did fast was during my junior or senior year of college when I gave up carbonated drinks specifically Dr. Pepper (one of my guilty pleasures). Simple I know, but it was harder than I thought. I honestly don't think it meant all that much to me either because it was sort of the "cool" thing to do.

In the days leading up to the beginning of Lent this year I once again heard others talking about fasting from something which sounded like a good idea. Despite feeling somewhat convicted I still had no direct leading on what to do. Lent began last Wednesday and by the time Sunday came around I still hadn't felt any particular leading. During my shift at work that night I felt a prompting from the Lord to go in a slightly different direction. Since the season of Lent is a time of reflection and repentance I felt it better to allow the Lord to begin to refine, teach and convict me in one particular area, pride. For those of you who have spent any time with me over the past couple of weeks you know how impacted I was through a particular C.J. Mahaney sermon about Humility (Isaiah 66:1-2). That sermon coupled with some difficult situations I have experienced recently opened my eyes to the fact that pride is still very much a part of my life.

I would encourage you to listen to the sermon by C.J. Mahaney I posted a few days ago. It is packed full of good convicting truth. Here are a few things he mentioned that hit hard. I would type out the whole sermon if I could.

- Pride seems to be the essence of all sin.
- An ungrateful person is a proud person.
- Where there is worry or anxiety there is pride at the root.

In his sermon CJ gives some practical application (on a daily level and on a long term level as well) on how to "weaken our greatest enemy (pride) and cultivate our greatest friend (humility)." Those application ideas were what stirred something in my heart. I believe that God wants to mortify the sin of pride in my life beginning in this season of Lent and continuing on from there. I hope to use some of those applications as a good starting place.

One of the areas where the sin of pride is most evident in my own life is in the area of grumbling and complaining. So I've taken time to talk with Jon and a co-worker (Sarah) asking them to hold me accountable in this area. So here I am sharing this with the blogging world as well...if you see me on a daily or weekly basis...keep me accountable. I've also taken this time to work on memorizing scripture pertaining to pride, humility and the attributes of God because in all reality next to the Cross of Christ we are all nothing!

So yeah, that's me right now. God is growing and challenging me in new and exciting ways. It has already been incredibly difficult and it hasn't even been one week. It's amazing how I can go through an entire day and not even acknowledge my dependence upon God.

May God in his ultimate grace and mercy use this time to make me more like his son.

Memory Verse #1

"All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

I Peter 5:5b-7

Slumdog Millionaire

This is a wonderfully done movie and for those who haven't had a chance to go see it...you should!! Here is a little taste of Slumdog Millionaire.

The One To Whom I Will Look

Humility (True Greatness)

CJ Mahney.mp3