Outlet

I had a refreshing conversation with my dad today. He is such a blessing to me and often has just the right words to speak to wherever I am. I will be forever grateful for the godly wisdom he has given me over the years. Something he said today got me thinking. A while back I was struggling with feeling content and completely burnt out and for a while that feeling went away. However those strong emotions came back with ferocity these past couple of weeks and I just feel completely overwhelmed. My dad mentioned that I need to find some sort of outlet for all of these emotions and I agree. Dad mentioned that I should get back to writing music...problem is, I have no way to do that. I can write down lyrics until I'm blue in the face but most of my inspiration comes when I sit down at a piano and play. Right now we have a one bedroom apartment with no place for a piano at all so obviously I miss it terribly. A few months ago I went out, played around and picked out the keyboard I want. Here it is and hopefully one day I will be able to buy it.

The Yahama CP33

Here's to dreaming.

Sleep Deprived

Wow, it has been a painful week! I have struggled since Thursday to get enough sleep and I am way behind. These long restless days have left me feeling a lot less like a human and a lot more like a zombie. Geez. I have been irritable, emotional and just plain exhausted. Every time the alarm clock goes off I wake up almost in tears because I want more than anything just to get some more sleep! It has been an uphill battle for me and I think that it all revolves around the fact that I haven't been sleeping enough. 3rd shift is sucking the life out of me.

Okay, there is my complaint. I'll leave it at that. At this very moment a quote from CJ Mahaney is ringing in my ears, "An ungrateful person is a proud person." Ugh. Okay...I know. During these long days I find myself desperately crying out to God, "I need you!" Despite the obvious truth that I am in great need of my Savior I have struggled to live that out. I haven't been joyful in these trying circumstances and my life has not in any way been an offering to the Lord. At this very moment I feel broken.

Despite the difficulties of this past week God has been so gracious and continues to teach me in my weakest moments. I hope to share more about that in the upcoming days but right now I am weary. So I guess I'll close this with a Psalm...I often find that when words are few it is easier for me to pray scripture. I've read through this Psalm a couple of times tonight and have enjoyed its truth. I hope it serves as an encouragement to you.

Psalm 34
"I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together! I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. What man is there who desires life and loves many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry. The face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken. Affliction will slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be condemned. The LORD redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned."

Pressing On

Often times I feel silly writing about my life because it seems rather boring to me, at least right now. The most eventful thing that has happened this week is that our puppy Paisley went to the vet to have her spay and tack done so she has been out of commission for a few days. As of today Paisley is thankfully getting back to her old self which makes following the doctor's orders of restricted activity difficult to say the least. Oh well. I'll post pictures later this week if I get the chance because Paisley has quite a scar.

Spiritually things have been less consistent than I would like. I was blessed yet again by some true Christian fellowship. I had a wonderful conversation with a friend at church on Sunday that left me feeling so encouraged and refreshed. However once Sunday passed and I headed into another week I was yet again faced with the sin of pride. This time God specifically used my husband Jon to remind me of those areas of my life where pride is still firmly rooted and I am truly thankful for his honesty. There were a couple of rough days (especially on Wednesday) when I really struggled and I remember Jon telling me that I needed to spend time with the Lord. That constant reminder of my need for Christ every single day was incredibly precious. It is good to remember that I am not in any way capable of living a life pleasing to the Lord without relying on his abundant grace and mercy.

With spiritual growth seemingly moving at a snails pace it is good to have an area in my life where I can see more obvious results which is one reason why memorizing scripture has been such a blessing. I have finally memorized the eleven verses out of Philippians 2. If you couldn't already tell I have not really practiced the discipline of memorizing scripture for quite some time. As I finished up the section from Philippians on Monday morning I was elated. However the pride I felt after achieving a relatively small feat was tempered with the sad realization that it took me over 2 weeks to memorize a mere 11 verses. To break that down into even simpler and more humbling terms that equals out to memorizing less than a verse a day. Ouch! I do have to admit that it felt great to memorize a slighty larger portion of scripture. Being able to sit down and recite that passage made me hungry to try something a little more challenging. This is a discipline I would like to continue to cultivate in my life even after this time of lent ends and one that I would like to pass on to my children.

Memory Verse IV:
"I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever. Every day I will praise you and extol your name for ever and ever. Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom. One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts. They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty, and I will meditate on your wonderful works. They will tell of the power of your awesome works, and I will proclaim your great deeds. They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness. The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The LORD is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made. All you have made will praise you, O LORD; your saints will extol you. They will tell of the glory of your kingdom and speak of your might, so that all men may know of your mighty acts and the glorious splendor of your kingdom. Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The LORD upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The LORD watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy. My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD. Let every creature praise his holy name for ever and ever."

Psalm 145

Day After Day- West Coast Revival

Day After Day.mp3

This song has been blessing me like crazy! What awesome truth! How can I not be completely satisfied in Christ after being reminded that "neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Amen!!

Discontent

Norman Rockwell- Girl At Mirror

The past couple of days (thankfully only a handful) have been difficult as I find myself struggling with pride, yet again. It's funny that when you ask the Lord to reveal to you certain sins the flood gates appear to swing wide open. These few days have left me feeling completely unsatisfied and frustrated with the monotony of life. I have spent too much time fawning over facebook and watching/stalking the people I know who seem to be living lives filled with so much more excitement than my own. They are doing things they love and here I am struggling to be happy with my work schedule and feeling as if December 11th (Jon's graduation date) will never come. I feel burnt out, exhausted and ready for some sort of change...I deserve better...right?!?

I know that these feelings are wrong on so many different levels but I've been dealing with them none the less. As I have been wading through my emotions I read a portion out of the David Brainerd book that was convicting. These journal entries were written by Mr. Brainerd as he neared the end of his life here on earth and struggled with an illness that eventually took his life at the age of 29.

“In the beginning of this extraordinary turn of disorder, after my coming to Elizabethtown, I was enabled through mercy to maintain a calm, composed, and patient spirit, as I had been before from the beginning of my weakness. After I had been in Elizabethtown about a fortnight, and had so far recovered that I was able to walk about the house, upon a day of thanksgiving kept in this place, I was enabled to recall and recount over the mercies of God, in such a manner as greatly affected me, and filled me with thankfulness and praise. Especially my soul praised God for his work of grace among the Indians, and the enlargement of his dear kingdom. My soul blessed God for what he is in himself, and adored him, that he ever would display himself to creatures. I rejoiced that he was God, and longed that all should know it, and feel it, and rejoice in it. ‘Lord, glorify thyself,' was the desire and cry of my soul. Oh that all people might love and praise the blessed God; that he might have all possible honour and glory from the intelligent world!"

~~~~

“Though I felt much dulness, and want of a spirit in prayer this week; yet I had some glimpses of the excellency of divine things; and especially one morning, in secret meditation and prayer, the excellency and beauty of holiness, as a likeness to the glorious God, was so discovered to me, that I began to long earnestly to be in that world where holiness dwells in perfection. I seemed to long for this perfect holiness, not so much for the sake of my own happiness, (although I saw clearly that this was the greatest, yea, the only happiness of the soul,) as that I might please God, live entirely to him, and glorify him to the utmost stretch of my rational powers and capacities.

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Reading through the diary of this godly man I am convicted. Even as he struggled with an illness that eventually took his life, he was seeking after the Lord. Even as Mr. Brainerd was hardly able to rise from his bed his desire was to love God with everything he had and to be poured out in service to Him.

Unfortunately as I write this post I am still not content with my life. My pride tells me that other people are more blessed than I. They are doing things I have always dreamed of and that my life will never measure up to theirs. However, deep down I know that God has placed me here in Louisville for a reason and unless my eyes are set on Christ I will never be content with anything, even living my "dream".

Dreaming

I've been wanting to write a post for what seems like forever but time just hasn't allowed it. I plan on posting within the next day or so however since time is limited right now I'll share with you a place I've been dreaming about lately. It's a place I've never been to but hope to experience first hand. It's a place that for some reason has stolen my heart. It's a place full of color but also burdened with such heavy darkness. It's a place I long to hold...

Can I keep her?

Sunday Sermon

Do Not Love the World- CJ Mahaney.mp3