Saturday, December 11, 2010

A Working Mom

(He's a cutie huh?!?!?)

Well our little man is now officially 3 months old! It's crazy how fast the time is going. Lots of things have changed in the past week. Since God has yet to provide a ministry opportunity for Jon I am now a working identity I wish I never had to accept. I hate it. I've been faced with a fairly ugly side of myself lately. As my first week of work was approaching I was struck by an overwhelming sense of anger. I was angry at God and for what? Because I didn't get my way? Yeah. Because in my ultimate wisdom I thought I knew what was best? Could this truly be glorifying to God? If my heart was so invested in being a stay at home mom why would God send me back to work? I just didn't understand and I honestly still do not fully grasp why this has happened. I just know that my heart aches. It aches just as much as it did a week ago and I can't help but ask, "How long?"

Last Friday was my first night back at work and I was a mess. I cried during the day, I cried when I had to kiss my son goodnight, I cried leaving for work, and I cried at work...yeah I was a blubbering mess. Even though I knew he would be sleeping most of the night I still had a fear I would miss something important. That first week was awful. When I wasn't at work missing my son and husband I was at home feeling guilty every time I had to shift my focus to cleaning, laundry, making dinner and sleeping. I just wanted to soak in every minute with that adorable little boy because I knew that all too soon he would be grown up.

Now that the awful first week is behind me Jon and I are struggling to figure out this new schedule. We basically have one day off together and are working a crazy work schedule in between. I don't believe we have ever had this much stress on our marriage and at times it feels as if we are barely keeping our heads above water. I know that in the grand scheme of things we are not really suffering. The three of us are all healthy (praise the Lord!) and Jon and I are blessed with jobs that keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs but I would certainly call this a trying time. I once thought I was a somewhat patient person as I waited on the Lord's timing, now I know that is not anywhere close to the truth.

So here I am, with faith that is barely visible crying out to the Lord to show himself. Things are tough but I know that God is faithful, I know that he is good and I know beyond a doubt that his timing is perfect now if only my heart could just get in line with my head and believe it. "Lord I believe, help my unbelief."


Laura said...

He hears our cries, sweet girl. He loves us enought to strip it all away sometimes. It's in our need and brokenness that He comes and shows Himself. Prayers and love to you.

Heather said...

I understand how hard your struggle is. I pray that God will give you both strength and patience during this difficult time. you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I love you sis!

Karen said...

Kristen, I read your heart and soul in that post. If I can, God certainly does. I just know, like you said, He is faithful.

That little one is such a cutie! Three months already? Wow. My heart would hurt, too. Hang on dear, you have strong arms underneath you.

Kindred Heart Writers said...

My God will supply all your needs Philippians 4:19 and claim His promises of Philippians 4:13. also they that wait upon the Lord will rise up on wings of eagles...Can't remember exact verse. God will supply.

Kindred Heart Writers said...

Forgot to say what a beauty that boy is.