(He's a cutie huh?!?!?)Well our little man is now officially 3 months old! It's crazy how fast the time is going. Lots of things have changed in the past week. Since God has yet to provide a ministry opportunity for Jon I am now a working mom...an identity I wish I never had to accept. I hate it. I've been faced with a fairly ugly side of myself lately. As my first week of work was approaching I was struck by an overwhelming sense of anger. I was angry at God and for what? Because I didn't get my way? Yeah. Because in my ultimate wisdom I thought I knew what was best? Could this truly be glorifying to God? If my heart was so invested in being a stay at home mom why would God send me back to work? I just didn't understand and I honestly still do not fully grasp why this has happened. I just know that my heart aches. It aches just as much as it did a week ago and I can't help but ask, "How long?"
Last Friday was my first night back at work and I was a mess. I cried during the day, I cried when I had to kiss my son goodnight, I cried leaving for work, and I cried at work...yeah I was a blubbering mess. Even though I knew he would be sleeping most of the night I still had a fear I would miss something important. That first week was awful. When I wasn't at work missing my son and husband I was at home feeling guilty every time I had to shift my focus to cleaning, laundry, making dinner and sleeping. I just wanted to soak in every minute with that adorable little boy because I knew that all too soon he would be grown up.
Now that the awful first week is behind me Jon and I are struggling to figure out this new schedule. We basically have one day off together and are working a crazy work schedule in between. I don't believe we have ever had this much stress on our marriage and at times it feels as if we are barely keeping our heads above water. I know that in the grand scheme of things we are not really suffering. The three of us are all healthy (praise the Lord!) and Jon and I are blessed with jobs that keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs but I would certainly call this a trying time. I once thought I was a somewhat patient person as I waited on the Lord's timing, now I know that is not anywhere close to the truth.
So here I am, with faith that is barely visible crying out to the Lord to show himself. Things are tough but I know that God is faithful, I know that he is good and I know beyond a doubt that his timing is perfect now if only my heart could just get in line with my head and believe it. "Lord I believe, help my unbelief."