4 Months Already

I don't have much time to post an update but here are somewhat dated 4 month pictures of my handsome little boy! He's growing so fast!!

Not My Home

If our current situation has taught me anything it is that this earth is not my home. I'm thankful that God chose to shake me out of my comfortable life to bring me to a place of uncertainty and difficulty. It makes me long even more for my heavenly home where all things are set right under the authority of a holy God. May I always keep this mindset and remember that although I have that hope many others do not...that should mean something...that should move me to action.

This is my prayer for today...

Exhausted

I have had this post saved for a couple of days unsure if I actually wanted to publish it or not. After I read my husband's most recent blog I decided to post mine as well. Funny enough Jon and I both wrote a lot of the same stuff. Prepare for plenty of honesty and quite a bit of brokenness because that's about all I have to offer...

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I haven't posted on here for forever. I just don't have the energy or drive anymore. Maybe I'll pick this up again but right now, I'm just not sure. It feels like I have been beat down by life, dramatic I know. I'm at a breaking point and just so overwhelmed at what feels like a hopeless situation, although I know it is far from that.

Our current situation that I have blogged so often about has not changed, not one bit. Still no ministry job for Jon, still crammed into this one bedroom apartment and my heart continues to ache every time I leave my little boy to go to work. Laundry continues to pile up, dishes go unwashed, my husband and I kiss in passing as we are torn apart by opposing schedules. We are only able to spend one night out of the whole week in the same bed. ONE NIGHT. There is just something wrong about that. Soon our little boy will be crawling around and I'm just not sure what to do about that because there is no way to baby proof our existing apartment...we have stuff crammed into every little nook and cranny trying to make the most of our dwindling space. I'm tired of praying and asking the Lord to provide, I'm tired of remaining optimistic, I'm just plain tired.

That's where I am at. The awful, uncensored sinful truth. I know our situation is not dire, and I also know that there are millions of other people in worse shape than we are...I know this. I know what the Bible says about the God I serve and I know what it says about my own heart and limited understanding. So...I need God to change my heart, to remind me that his ways are beyond my understanding but that he is good and faithful even when it doesn't seem that way. I desperately need His strength and grace because I'm failing miserably at living out the gospel for those around me. But God...can't you just please give us something? A little glimmer of hope is all I need...just a glimmer.

...

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest...."

Clinging to Hope

Cast not away your confidence because God defers his performances. That which does not come in your time, will be hastened in his time, which is always the more convenient season. God will work when he pleases, how he pleases, and by what means he pleases. He is not bound to keep our time, but he will perform his word, honour our faith, and reward them that diligently seek him.

- Matthew Henry

Our Little Boy Is Growing Up

Drawing inspiration from another blog my husband and I decided to record the first 100 days of our son's life on camera. Well, Thursday marked the end of our 100 day adventure so I thought I would post the finished product. It's hard to believe Aiden is now over three months old and growing stronger and more animated by the day. We have been incredibly blessed by this little boy so let this slide show be a small declaration of God's goodness!

A Working Mom

(He's a cutie huh?!?!?)

Well our little man is now officially 3 months old! It's crazy how fast the time is going. Lots of things have changed in the past week. Since God has yet to provide a ministry opportunity for Jon I am now a working mom...an identity I wish I never had to accept. I hate it. I've been faced with a fairly ugly side of myself lately. As my first week of work was approaching I was struck by an overwhelming sense of anger. I was angry at God and for what? Because I didn't get my way? Yeah. Because in my ultimate wisdom I thought I knew what was best? Could this truly be glorifying to God? If my heart was so invested in being a stay at home mom why would God send me back to work? I just didn't understand and I honestly still do not fully grasp why this has happened. I just know that my heart aches. It aches just as much as it did a week ago and I can't help but ask, "How long?"

Last Friday was my first night back at work and I was a mess. I cried during the day, I cried when I had to kiss my son goodnight, I cried leaving for work, and I cried at work...yeah I was a blubbering mess. Even though I knew he would be sleeping most of the night I still had a fear I would miss something important. That first week was awful. When I wasn't at work missing my son and husband I was at home feeling guilty every time I had to shift my focus to cleaning, laundry, making dinner and sleeping. I just wanted to soak in every minute with that adorable little boy because I knew that all too soon he would be grown up.

Now that the awful first week is behind me Jon and I are struggling to figure out this new schedule. We basically have one day off together and are working a crazy work schedule in between. I don't believe we have ever had this much stress on our marriage and at times it feels as if we are barely keeping our heads above water. I know that in the grand scheme of things we are not really suffering. The three of us are all healthy (praise the Lord!) and Jon and I are blessed with jobs that keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs but I would certainly call this a trying time. I once thought I was a somewhat patient person as I waited on the Lord's timing, now I know that is not anywhere close to the truth.

So here I am, with faith that is barely visible crying out to the Lord to show himself. Things are tough but I know that God is faithful, I know that he is good and I know beyond a doubt that his timing is perfect now if only my heart could just get in line with my head and believe it. "Lord I believe, help my unbelief."

2 Months and Counting

Well we have successfully made it two months so I thought I would celebrate by sharing some more pictures of our handsome little man. He just captures my heart! Maybe one day I will be able to post more about life but this is just about all I have time for. Ah well. Enjoy!